30 August 2008

Bible-based Platforms for Republicans and Democrats

Since both parties are trying so hard to satisfy Bible-believing Christians, I thought I'd suggest a few bible verses to inspire them.

[I know I'm a little late, since the platforms are already available online (Republican, Democratic), but what the heck.]

Economic Policies

R: For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Matthew 13:12

The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the righteous. Proverbs 13:22 (Thomas Muthee translation)

D: Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9 (NIV)

The Environment

R: The heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up. 2 Peter 3:10
(So Sarah Palin is right: Global warming isn't man-made; it's God-made.)

D: And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee: For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp... Deuteronomy 23:13-14
(Clean up your own shit. You don't want God to step in it, do you?)

Health Care

R:Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. James 5:14-15
(See Faith-based medicine for Republicans)

D: But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him, And went to him, and bound up his wounds, pouring in oil and wine, and set him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him. And on the morrow when he departed, he took out two pence, and gave them to the host, and said unto him, Take care of him; and whatsoever thou spendest more, when I come again, I will repay thee. ... Then said Jesus ... Go, and do thou likewise. Luke 10:33-37


R: If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

D: He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone... John 8:7


R: Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb. Hosea 9:16

D: If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he shall pay as the judges determine. Exodus 21:22

National Defense and Security

R: Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears. Joel 3:10

D: ...they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks: nation shall not lift up a sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. Micah 4:3

29 August 2008

Would it be wrong to pray for diarrhea?

Well, not according to the Bible, anyway. Here, for example, is a prayer from the Psalms.

Because that he remembered not to shew mercy, but persecuted the poor and needy man, that he might even slay the broken in heart. As he loved cursing, so let it come unto him: as he delighted not in blessing, so let it be far from him. As he clothed himself with cursing like as with his garment, so let it come into his bowels like water, and like oil into his bones. Psalm 109:16-18

But the Bible-god not only curses bowels, he also, on occasion, messes with them so much that they completely fall out.

Thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out. 2 Chronicles 21:15

So praying for diarrhea has a solid Biblical basis. And though the following video is just making fun of Focus on the Family's (failed) prayer for rain on Obama's acceptance speech, it might be worth a try.

Focus on the Family proves again that nothing fails like prayer

So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain that day. 1 Samuel 12:18

And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive. Matthew 21:22

Jesus said that believers will get whatever they ask for in prayer. And the Old Testament prophet, Samuel, made it rain just by praying. So why were the prayers of thousands of believers unanswered? Why didn't it rain on Obama's acceptance speech?

Because, as everyone who has ever tried it knows, nothing fails like prayer.

28 August 2008

Whose face do you see on the moth?

Isn't it great? Jesus has returned again -- this time on the back of a moth in east Texas.

But I'm not so sure that it really is Jesus. I mean, aren't those horns on the top of his head? And what about those long, goat-like ears and beard? It looks more like Jesus' little brother Satan to me.

I may be wrong, but I think the species of moth that God selected for Jesus' (or Satan's) image is Eacles imperialis, the imperial moth. It's common in the southern United States and is known for its variable dorsal markings.

But take a look at this one (from Butterflies and Moths of North America). Who do you see on its back?

Now that is not Jesus, folks. It's either Satan or Muhammad -- without fingerprints they're hard to tell apart. (And what are those pigs doing on each side of his head?)

20 August 2008

Quranet -- Let's pretend the Quran is a good book
(Hey, it works for the Bible, doesn't it?)

One of the 60 projects selected by the Israeli Presidential Conference to honor Israel's 60th year of independence is called Quranet, from which (according to the Israeli Ministry of Foreign Affairs) "every person in the world can find a Quranic answer to his/her educational question."

Here's how it will work. The user will ask a question (or select one from a list) and Quranet will show the answer from the Quran. Here is the question and answer from their SWF demonstration.

Question: What happens when we repay evil with good?

Answer: . . . the one who used to be your enemy, may become your best friend. (Sura Fussilat ayat 34

Well, it worked well for that question, didn't it? See what a great book the Quran is?

But what if someone asks these "educational questions"?

Question: What does the Quran say about Jews?

Answer: They are wretched, selfish, greedy, hateful, evil, treacherous, losers, blind, deaf, perverse, ugly, and have devils for friends. (But other than that they're OK.)
(Quran 2:61, 96; 5:12-13, 53, 59, 70-71; 7:27, 30; 9:30; 62:5)

Question: What will happen to Jews that refuse to convert to Islam?

Answer: They will be cursed by Allah, their faces will be disfigured, their hearts hardened, they will be turned into apes and pigs, and burn forever in hell.
(Quran 2:65-66; 4:47, 160-1; 5:12, 53, 60; 7:166-7; 9:34)

Question: Should Muslims be friends with Jews?

Answer: Absolutely not. If you have any Jewish friends, Allah will consider you one of them. (And you know what happens to them!)
(Quran 3:28, 118; 4:89, 144; 5:51, 55, 57, 80; 9:23; 58:14-15, 22; 60:1, 9)

Question: How should Jews be treated?

Answer: They should be fought and terrorized until they either are killed (with their heads and fingers chopped off) or forced to into submission.
(Quran 2:191-2; 4:89; 8:12-13; 9:5)

But questions like these will not be asked or answered at Quranet, which was designed to hide, rather than reveal, the true nature of the Quran. By selecting only from the good stuff in the Quran, Quranet will try (as the demo says) to "transform the Quran into a modern and useful educational tool" that "creates a bridge between the Islamic world and the West" while revealing "the beauty of the Quran and its respect for human dignity."

It's dishonest, of course. But then it's hard to honest when you're just pretending.

08 August 2008

Things on which the Bible and Quran agree

In previous posts I've mentioned a few things that the Bible and Quran agree on. But I thought it might be useful to make a list and include them all here. I'll start with ones that I've previously mentioned and go from there. Let me know what I've missed and I'll add them to the list. (To keep it short, I'll just include links to previous posts and to the verses from the Bible and Quran.)
  1. A woman is worth half as much as a man.

    Bible Leviticus 27:3-7
    Quran 4:11, 4:176, 2:282

  2. Stay away from menstruating women.

    Bible Ezekiel 18:5, Leviticus 15:19-30, 18:19, 20:18
    Quran 2:222

  3. Women must cover their heads and dress modestly.

    Bible 1 Corinthians 11:3-10, 1 Timothy 2:9
    Quran 24:31, 33:59

  4. Insects have four legs.

    Bible Leviticus 11:22-23
    Quran 24:45

  5. God and Satan force non-believers to disbelieve.

    Bible 2 Thessalonians 2:11-12, John 12:40, 2 Corinthians 4:3-4
    Quran 2:6-7, 6:25, 15:39-43, 7:16-18, 17:97-98, 18:57

  6. Disbelievers should be killed.

    Bible Deuteronomy 13:6-15
    Quran 2:191, 4:89, 4:91, 9:5

  7. Disbelievers will burn forever in hell.

    Bible John 3:18, 36, Mark 9:43-8, Matthew 25:41, Luke 16:22-24, 2 Thessalonians 1:8-9, Revelation 14:10-11, 20:10
    Quran 9:73, 66:9

  8. Don't make friends with disbelievers.

    Bible 2 Corinthians 6:14-17
    Quran 3:28, 4:89, 4:144, 5:51, 60:1, 13

  9. Lot was a just and righteous man.

    Bible 2 Peter 2:7-8
    Quran 7:80-3, 21:71-5, 27:54-7, 29:26-7, 66:10

  10. God is the creator of evil.

    Bible Isaiah 45:7, Amos 3:6
    Quran 113:1-2